Life by the Rules

As I walked into the bookstore, my eyes scanned the signs marking the categories of each book type. But where would one find "The Rules"? Sci-Fi? Fantasy? Fiction? There it was - in "Relationships" nestled between books on how to revive your sex life and "Men are From Mars, Women from Venus."

The wedding ring on the cover is distracting because I frankly don't give a shit if I get married again. But if this stupid little book can help me avoid all the brain damage of dating so many losers and not landing the good ones, bring it on.

There are 379 pages of rules and I am only through the first 94 pages, but given the urgency of my situation, I am going for the Cliff Notes edition. I am going to obey the very core Rule and that is Rule #5 - Don't Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls.

It is interesting that this book was written in the 90s prior to the internet, email, texting or Facebook. Quaint but one can pretty much extrapolate the same for new media.

So I am now ignoring everyone and sure enough, they are coming out of the wood work.

First off, Mr. Craigslist kept sending me Facebook notes implying I should call him. I ignored him and he finally called yesterday and we went out last night.

We met up at a local brewpub and I arrived first. Spaceman unfortunately was there and sidles over. "You look all dolled up," he says as he plants his ass on the stool next to me. "Yes, I'm on a date. Can you please go away?" I hissed at him. "MMM! You smell nice too! Did you curl your hair?"

"You are like a troll under a bridge," I told him as I literally shoved him off the stool. But too late. Mr. CL walks in and I have the awkwardness of introducing them. "This is a photographer I've worked with. He was just leaving."

We ended up at a nice inn for dinner and drinks but CL was distracted. He had spent the afternoon at the hospital with his mother with a broken ankle. He actually LEFT her at the hospital so as to not break off the date with me. "Oh my god, if you need to leave, I totally understand." "Nah, she was unconscious anyway." He was distracted and unhappy for most of the evening, looking at his watch and noting when the time came that she was scheduled for surgery.

As we finished up our cocktails my cell phone buzzed with the tattletale sound of a text message. "Don't you want to get that?" he asked. I played it cool and ignored it - it could be no good. Probably Spaceman continuing his heckling digitally. So I scurried into the restroom with my phone. It was from Wild Thing. "Hope you had a nice New Year. Talk to you this week."

I instantly typed in a reply ... then remembered Rule #5. Don't call him, and rarely return his calls. I deleted my text without sending it and coolly put the phone back in my purse. This is going to be tough but I felt in control for the first time in a long time.

The date ended early and in a Beldar-like fashion (KJ will know what this means). It's all or nothing with me - and in this case, it was a big nothing. According to Rule #9, dates #1-3 should be like "being and nothingness - dress nice, be nice, good bye and go home. Not too much investment." Boy, I've been doing this one wrong! By Rules standards, this was a great date, but by my standards, not so much. There will not be a fourth date with this guy.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, a friend has introduced me to a nice guy I talked to at length by phone (yes, he called me). We had made plans for last night that I cancelled due to Mr. CL (very un-Rules like but I'm still a beginner here). "That will just make him want you even more," loyal blog reader KJ dished. She's probably right. If I'm just abusive, rude and non-responsive, I'll have them all at my fingertips.

So let's see how I did this week as a Rules Girl:

Rule #1 - Be a Creature Unlike Any Other - check
Rule #2 - Don't Talk to a Man First - check (at least the last 3)
Rule #4 - Don't Go Dutch on a Date - check (good to know this)
Rule #5 - Don't Call Him & Rarely Return His Calls - tough but working on it
Rule #7 - Don't Accept a Sat. Night Date after Wednesday (I am way too busy to follow this one)
Rule #8 - Fill up Your Time Before the Date - check, did my nails, hair, had a glass of wine
Rule # 9 - How to Act on Dates 1-3 - need to work on this one; 50/50 success rate
Rule #11 - Always End the Date First - check

That's as far as I've gotten in the book. I'm going to focus on #5 since I have already seen its effect on Wild Thing. I've got the day off from work, I'm in my PJs and I've got another 237 pages of Rules to go through.