Saturday, May 09, 2009

The REST of the Story

Those of you who are Paul Harvey Fans will appreciate the late broadcaster's signature closing of "and that is the REST of the story." I used to swear he and Casey Kasem both died 50 years ago and their radio shows were computer generated. Now Paul has gone and really died so there goes that theory.

So the rest of the story. Back to me. This is part blog, part therapy, as I sit here avoiding yard work and pondering why yet another nascent relationship is in the shitter. I truly think that I do not know how to separate the wheat from the chaff. Any guy who is in my approximate age and geographic range and is breathing has a chance with me. After all, who am I to dismiss someone just because they are shorter than me, with bad teeth, low IQ and no discernible shared interested other than being single?

After meeting The Postman, one girlfriend pulled me aside and said, "Kathy, you are so much better looking than you give yourself credit for. You can go for better looking guys than the ones you date." Ouch. I keep thinking I'm middle aged and live in the middle of nowhere. The whole half a loaf is better than none theory clearly was written by someone dating after 40. I'm just sick of half loaves.

So I am going to share with you all the early warning signs I had with The Postman and ignored:

1. I found his online photos to be unappealing but he wrote nicely and asked me out so I did it anyway.

2. He doesn't ski. He snowboarded once but bruised a shoulder so NEVER AGAIN. You never know, sports are dangerous!

3. He lied about golfing. Said he was a golfer but deeper into it confessed he USED to golf. Years ago. At the little par 3 course near his house. He was nervous about golfing with me. With ME? Have any of you seen me golf? I date better than I golf.

4. I already dished on the second date debacle where he "forgot his wallet." What I didn't tell you is that he didn't just insist on continuing on with our lunch date. He went on a fucking shopping spree using my credit card. After a pricey lunch, we went GROCERY SHOPPING at his suggestion.

I drew the line when he asked if we could pick up concert tickets because at that point I wasn't sure if I wanted to see him again. That and the fact the he came out and said he would not repay me for these tickets (I am guessing upwards of $100 for the pair) but rather he could pay for the next concert we went to! I made up an excuse that I was busy the night of the show and said no.

While he did repay me for most of the groceries (but not lunch - he just bought me lunch the next time), he stiffed me on one of the stores we visited. Just about $15 but are you KIDDING me? I was so afraid of offending him I didn't end the date right off like I should have. The next morning he texted me asking if he blew it by forgetting his wallet. Even he knew I should've ended then but no....

5. He partakes in absolutely, positively NO physical activities other than walking from food cart to food cart at the Jazz Fest. His large stomach and complete lack of muscle tone prove it. He reminds me of my ex. Nuff said.

6. He has sleep apena which requires that he sleep with a head apparatus that blows air up his nose. It was like sleeping next to a Hoover. I resorted to ear plugs but even this was not enough - I slept with a pillow over my head most nights.

I am not someone to judge anyone for a physical ailment and sleeping with a snorer is worse than this. But one night in New Orleans when I got up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night and came back and saw this fat guy in my bed with an appliance attached to his head, the constant sucking noise filling the room and thought to myself, "how soon can I fly the fuck home?"

And the worst of all ...

7. Crooked teeth. Really crooked. I know my teeth aren't perfect but apparently this is a new dealbreaker for me.

So now I feel better. I hope I will raise the bar and keep it high, not dating someone "just in case" they are a really good guy in an ugly package. We all know how the story ends.

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