Waiting for Columbus

Many of my friends are married and in their 40s and 50s. They listen to (or read) my dating stories with amazement, much as I'm sure early astronauts returned to earth and told their wives and kids about their adventures. "Are you sure it's safe, going up in that rocket?" they'd ask in amazement.

Most share with me that they could never ever do it, that they would rather die alone than dive head first into the world of dating again. To help them better understand the ship of fools on which I sail, I have categorized my potential paramours into 3 categories:

1. The Tragically Single - This is the life-long bachelor. He usually has reached his 40s and is proud to never have been married and is childless. Ladies, if you think you can change him, you are delusional. You do not reach this stage of life remaining unmarried without it being a single-minded (ha!) and deliberate effort. Trying to inject yourself into his universe is an exercise in futility. Especially doomed if you have children as they can relate better to your pets or your PC than to anyone under the age of 18.

2. The Devastatingly Divorced - This guy has been married at least once and sometimes twice. Usually he had not been married for long. Regardless, there is often much bitterness and enough baggage to employ a Red Cap for a lifetime. Either has gone years without dating or is barely divorced - either way, he still is just not ready for this. There can be a lot of overlap with this character and the Tragically Single.

3. The Paralyzed Parent - Shares custody of his kids with an Ex who keeps the custody schedule in a locked vault in an encrypted file. Despite the divorce, she manages to completely run her Ex's life by dictating when he can see his children. Unable to make any plans further out than 48 hours, just in case his parental services are needed. Unwilling to introduce even a long-time girlfriend to his kids because he "doesn't want to confuse them."

So let's see, never married; married then divorced with no kids; married then divorced with kids. They all suck. But what other options are there?

I hear rumors - more like fairy tales, or unicorn sightings. A business acquaintance was divorced at the same time I was. We traded divorce war stories on a business trip together shortly after my divorce was final.

10 months later I get an email from her announcing her name change. Yes, she managed to get remarried in those 10 months to a man with 2 kids, in her home town, to a guy she had known in high school. They were now happily married and living together with their Brady-like blended family.

After re-reading her email, I called her angrily and left a message on her voice mail. "How did you do it?" I insisted. "How does ANYONE do that?"

Put this in context. I have been living in Splitzville for going on 3 years. As anyone who reads this blog knows, I have no trouble meeting men. In those 3 years, I have not introduced a single boyfriend to my kid or had a date for the company Christmas party or family wedding, any of the hallmarks of being a "couple." If I were honest with myself, perhaps I would categorize myself as a #2. How damaged am I? How ready would I be if Mike Brady materialized tomorrow?

"Just stop looking for a while," gal pal Michelle suggested today. "Have you thought about getting your MBA? That would be a nice distraction!"

But since when does giving up result in success? After all, didn't Christopher Columbus finally find what he was looking for? Just when the entire crew was ready to give up and turn around, didn't they find the passage to India?

Well, maybe that's not the best example. Maybe Michelle is right. Maybe I need to board a ship full of Italians and sail for parts unknown. Now that's a ship I'd gladly board.