Friend without Benefits

Sorry I have not been blogging as frequently as I used to. I've been busy doing useful things like sobbing alone in the bathroom stall at work.

I unexpectedly broke down at an event this weekend. As I walked into the building I had a flash back to the previous year at the same function. I had spent the evening bewildered as PAL refused to sit with me, and left early without telling me (see earlier post on this topic from, yes, a year ago). I honestly had not thought about him or the event in months and have even had some mildly enjoyable social occasions with him recently. Moving on. Or so I thought.

Before he walked through the door, new girlfriend on arm, and marched over to introduce her to me. I smiled sweetly, said hello and asked her to repeat her name. Chit chat ensued, and as the drink in my hand emptied I decided to let loose.

I pulled him aside and whispered in his ear, "I'm going to be an asshole now." And proceeded to tell him how this event will always remind me of how badly he treated me days after we spent the night together for the first time. How much his rejection hurt me. Then I turned on my heel and walked away as he said "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

Miserable fast forward to the next day when I once again had to deal with the sight of him at work. I avoided him until it was unavoidable. "I had that coming," he said. Then just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, he added "I thought we were just friends with benefits! That's all! I didn't mean to hurt you!"

This second affront sunk in overnight. But suddenly it all makes sense. Talk about your misaligned expectations.

But it's too small a town to hold a grudge. Winter will end soon and with it will end running into him on a daily basis. But the bigger question is, how did this blow up the way it did.

I'm cool!

I've moved on!

But other than the notorious poison pen letter in the chicken soup, I never had an opportunity to tell him -- face to face -- how much he hurt me. Perhaps this vetting will allow me to finally close this chapter and move on. Or in the words of my bible, HJNTIY, "Friends don't make you cry into your pillow at night."

Good night PAL.