Nickel'd and Dimed

OK, just when I was thinking Mr. Normal (aka Hawaiian Lai Guy) was rising to the top of the heap - it happened. He asked me to go with him to a concert, and to meet his friends. Then he emails me a link where I can go online to buy my ticket.

Just to be certain I wasn't mis-reading his note, I asked "are you telling me to buy my own ticket or are you showing me the link so I know more about the concert." He clarified that he did indeed expect me to pay for my own ticket - although he would do me the favor of buying both tickets and that "I could pay him back later." This after going dutch for our rather modest first two dates.

For the record, most guys do offer to pay. And when they do I always offer to chip in, pay the tip, catch the next round, etc. It's all in the offering. Believe me, I don't do all this dating for the free food. Money isn't the issue for me.

I flash back to the year after high-school. David Bowie was playing at Foxboro Stadium. An overweight friend of a friend lured me into a date with him by offering up those tasty concert tickets. Even he, at the ripe age of 19, had the sense to pay for them.

At the very earliest stages of my new single-dom, I went out with a physician who made a point of showing me the bill at the pricey inn we dined at, post Frankenstein Cliff Hike (see earlier post). I figured for that amount of effort, he owed me dinner.

Next I went out with a guy who I will affectionately refer to as "Fried Dough Man." At the end of our first date, the bill sat nervously on the table top post-meal until I suggested we go dutch. "Does Dutch mean you pay?" he inquired. "No, it means we split it, moron (OK, I didn't say that but body language is everything)."

Because he was an airline pilot I gave him a second chance. We went to a country fair. Again, nothing to break the bank. He paid the $6 entrance fee and bought us each a fried dough. At this point of the evening - about 15 minutes into it - he announced he was out of money. This as we walked past a bank of ATM machines.

So I said, no problem, I have cash. I bought us rides on the Ferris wheel, hot apple crisp and other various carnival goodies. As we were leaving, he stopped at a stand and said he was thirsty and wanted me to buy him water. At this point I too was out of cash, so he pulls out his wallet - where I see a wad of $20 bills. So he was never actually OUT of money. He was out of money for ME!

As gal pal Larissa said after telling her of the evening, "Oh, he was out of PUSSY money! He had reached the amount he was willing to pay for the chance at sex with you!" (Programming note: She was right). A silent ride back from Fryberg was the last I saw of him.

So Mr. Hawaiian Lai - how much is it worth to you? And you, you girl, you writing this - what is your pride going for nowadays? I have ruminated on this since I got the email about the concert. I really want to go (and will go, fuck it).

But generosity has many faces. I lived so long with someone who was parsimonious - mostly in his lack of kindness towards me. So at this fragile stage of a relationship (third date), sending me the $35 bill for my ticket makes me question things. Is this just someone assuming as a modern gal that I want to pay my own way, or a symptom of a bigger problem? Only time will tell.

In the meantime ... check please!

Regularly Scheduled Programming

Just a quick update on my dating exploits. I'm on vacation so I've been able to meet losers from a wider geographic area than usual.

The Personal Trainer - I spent 4 days at a high-end luxury spa in the Berkshires. I took a few fitness classes from a handsome specimen with the unlikely name of Blaise (pronounced like "Blaze" although I preferred to call him "Blase"). He suggested I meet him at a local watering hole after I checked out of the spa.

The Disabled - Blaise was a no show but I did meet Charles. We chatted over a few beers. I told him what I did for work and asked him his line of work. He has been unemployed and disabled for several years. Do I attract the best or what? He gamely gave me his phone number before departing, asking me to call if I pass through Lenox, MA again. Who knows, maybe I could use some advice on enrolling in SSI disability.

The Dudes - Gal Pal Terry and I went out to hear a band in a little tavern in Mass. Fri. night. It was an Allman Brother's Tribute band and every 40-50 year old man in MetroWest showed up in their best tie-die shirts. At 12:55am, 5 minutes before closing, a dude gamely asked if me and my friend would like to drive about 20 miles to join them in a hot tub and smoke weed. We declined - thankfully it wasn't next door or we might have said yes, just to say we did it.

Mr. Hawaiin Lai - 2nd date went well. Hung out in Portsmouth. He had prepared a picnic for us and we hiked around the remains of a revolutionary war fort, thus scoring points for 3 of my favorite things - eating, hiking and history. Plus, he's a plumber and I have a sump pump that needs fixin'.

P.A.L. Redux - Yes, I am a glutton for punishment so I went skiing with PAL yesterday. I've decided a "whatever" attitude is in order. Not returning phone calls? Whatever. Not committing to even the most trivial things? Whatever. See? It works!

I am on vacation with my daughther this week so alas, my free-wheeling ways will be curtailed for the next week. But I have heard that playgrounds are a GREAT way to meet divorced dads.

The Ex Files

It is conventional wisdom that you are never supposed to talk about your Ex when you are out with someone, especially a first or second date. Now with first and second dates being my specialty, you would think that I would have met dozens of men who politely obey this edict, the only exception to politely explain that "things just didn't work out" but you were "still friends."

If you thought that, then you would be wrong.

I have found the Ex to be the #1 topic of conversation especially on the first date and usually within the first few minutes of meeting. So, for your reading pleasure, here is a run down of my favorite Ex-traordinary tales from the dating front:

Changing Teams - Mr. DVD Player In His Dashboard told me almost immediately that his Ex left him for another woman. After spending time with him, I can understand why.

Double Whammy - Mr. Hawaiian Lai told me that his Ex left him for the male Certified Nursing Assistant who was caring for her mother in a nursing home. Her frequent visits to her ailing mother were explained when she became pregnant by the CNA - while still married. Ouch. The bright side is that he discovered that divorce judges do not look kindly upon pregnant cheating wives when considering custody and child support issues, thereby restoring my faith in the American court system.

Dearly Departed - Mr. Nipple Fetish's long-time live in girlfriend drowned. I never did get to hear the details but after a few dates with him I suspect it was suicide.

Cheater, Cheater - This is the common theme to many. P.A.L.'s long time live in love left him for a married guy.

Bet the Farm - Mr. Marathon Man was in the process of parceling out and selling off parts of the farm that had been in his family for over 200 years because his mother willed the property to both of them, back when they were happily married. Apparently the previous 199 years of ancestors had had more sense than she.

The Never-Marrieds - The only thing worse than explaining how your marriage broke up is explaining how you reached your 40s or 50s and never managed to get married. Mr. Dorm Room, Jesus of the Long Hair and P.A.L. all managed to live commitment-free lives. Ladies, when you hear this, run.

And my story. I give the "things just didn't work out" but we're "still friends" tale. I really do think how you talk about your ex - be it husband or boyfriend - reflects more on you than they. Because the smiling first date of today could easily be the lambasted Ex of next year.

Ways to Catch a Man's Attention

There's a saying ... if you can't do, teach. If you can't teach ... write a blog. Loyal blog reader Voyeura asked me to give my top ways to catch a man's attention. Of course, if she was paying attention she would see that this clearly has not been my forte. I think however she is impressed with the sheer volume of men I have managed to date and, like many of my 40- and 50-something married female friends, is living vicariously through my exploits. So here, in no particular order, are some ideas to share:

"Wanna see where I'm getting my next tattoo?" This idea was actually suggested by a guy who was chatting me up at a bar in North Conway. Imagine that.

"I have a master key" - to the bar, to the summit cabin, to the access road, to the bank vault. Think about where you work and what you can exploit. A private tryst in a mountain-top hideaway? Sounds good to me. Any takers? Programming note to any co-workers reading this - I'm just kidding.

"I have so much money - I just don't know how to spend it" - Sugar-mammas take note. Gold-brickers and cougar-hunters just love an attractive gal with a fat bank account. Somethings you just can't buy, however. Like intelligence.

I Deserve for This to End Well

I wanted to share with you that I met a real live normal person on a date this weekend. I know this is not nearly as funny or bathetic as meeting a loser, freak or sociopath, but it happened. Sure, he's not overly handsome. He doesn't have long hair like Jesus. He doesn't think he's god's gift to North Conway. But gosh darn it, he was nice, did what he said what he was going to do and showed up on time. Isn't that all a gal can ask for? Oh, and he skis a lot. He gave us each a Hawaiin Lai to wear as we tooled around the slopes on a sunny day and did not ONCE make a joke involving a pun on the term "getting laid." He also does not have an over bearing ex, children in his custody, an overly-demanding job, an alcohol issue or anger towards his last 3 dates.

Shout out to best gal-pal Cindy for giving me emotional support and validation as I try to forget the latest indignity I suffered at the hands of Mr. PAL (pathetic aging lothario - please see earlier posts). "He's a SOCIOPATH" she exclaimed. "There's something WRONG with him."

Catch phrase of our day together (also skiing) - my new mantra - one that I hope works: "I deserve for this to end well."