February Doldrums

Just a quick update. My Valentine's Day was sweet, considering I worked a 12 hour shift, came home and fell asleep in about 15 minutes. Lonnie sweetly presented me with an expensive bottle of champagne, chocolates and strawberries in front of a roaring fire as I got home from work at 9pm at night.

I gratefully accepted the bottle of bubbly as he popped in the romantic comedy movie he had rented for the evening. I made it past the opening credits before I fell asleep. A head cold on top of a sick work schedule knocked me down.

I don't know - maybe blog reader MM is right - there will be tears on a vintage guitar soon and they won't be mine. He is so sweet and so totally, completely out of his league that he doesn't even know it. He isn't stupid; I've gone at lengths to say it. But he ain't smart. Did I put smart on my list of deal breakers? I think I need to revisit that list.

Meanwhile WT visited me last week for coffee and fessed up what I already knew - that he was married and had lied to me about his status. Cold comfort but closure nonetheless. I made him pay for my latte.

Chicken Salad and Tea

George Costanza:

Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute. I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of tuna on toast. Chicken salad on rye, untoasted, with a side of potato salad and a cup of tea.

Elaine Benes:

Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.

Jerry Seinfeld:

You know, chicken salad's not the opposite of tuna. Salmon's the opposite of tuna, because salmon swim again the current and the tuna swim with it.

George Costanza:

Good for the tuna.


My strategy of doing everything the opposite of what I usually do is working out swimmingly.

I continue to ignore Lonnie's bad writing skills, a trait which formerly would've sent me scurrying. Who gives a shit how many exclamation points follow his missive stating how much he can't wait to see me again.

And for what it's worth, I want you to know that he actually reads books. He had a biography of Benjamin Franklin he is reading on his coffee table - and no, it wasn't the Scholastic edition. He's been telling me about his work at the state house to pass education reform and a new teacher's union contract. For the teacher's sake, I just hope he didn't WRITE the contract.

And now Valentine's Day looms large this weekend. It's been a looooong time since I've been anyone's Valentine. My ex and I used special occasions like Valentine's Day, our wedding anniversary and birthdays to torture each other and use extortion tactics to hurt each other. I recall our last February 14th together, when I ripped up the card I had bought him and threw it at him. Good times!

But in talking with Lonnie (oops - almost typed Loonie just then) this week, he is asking what types of flowers I like for when he comes up this weekend. And this is making me antsy.

I'm thinking I have to get something for him too. Which card to get would be a loaded question. Nothing with "love" in it. Way too soon for that. Are there Valentine's that say "I think you're hot but want to leave it at that." So I'll be stopping by Hallmark today to find a card to express my ambivilence in an upbeat yet non-commital way.

"I've told my mother about you," he added after the flower question. "She'd like to meet you."

Holy cripes! What the hell is this? It's been three years of prolific yet casual dating and now ... (ominous music) I'd like you to meet my mother.

I think it is telling that Valentine's Day is preceeded by Friday the 13th this week.

Fools in Love

So I'd like to take a moment to thank all my blog readers for their reaction to the horrifying syntax of my latest love interest, Lonnie Ray. I too am horrified at his writing skills but I have to tell you, in person, there is no relation between his verbal skills and his writing abilities. It's like he's hired a fourth grader to send his emails to me.

He has been a charming, affectionate and overwhelmingly NORMAL person, other than his apparent love of exclamation points in emails.

In reviewing my previous post on deal breakers, writing skills did not even break the top 5. So why are you all up in arms about this guy?

"What do you mean you're going on a second date? Are you joking?" scolded gal pal Michelle. "This has disaster written all over it."

"Lace up your running shoes and run... run fast!" added blog reader KM after reading the last posting.

KJ on the other hand has taken up writing her own emails in his style:

"I wish you luck bekause if I want to be happy with handsome man oneday I help you very special happy karma!"

Since I actually like this guy I'm thinking of sending him my own email with a list of rules to try to remedy the situation:

1. No inappropriate use of exclamation point. For instance, "Look out for that Mac Truck!" - that is appropriate. "I really enjoyed meeting you!!!!!!!!" - not appropriate.

2. No making up words. Enjoyful is not a word even though it sounds like it should be. It's not.

3. Your = possessive (your boyfriend is a loser); You're = a contraction for "you are" (You're dating a loser). Get it straight or get lost.

4. Do not use email like instant messaging or a text message. Don't send emails that say "are you there?" I'm not. If you don't get a response to your first email, don't send 3 more asking if I got the last 2 or if I'm mad at you.

Just so you don't think he's a complete loser (I don't think he is), I'm posting his photo. Isn't he kinda cute?

I know what you thinking but I can tell you in person he does NOT look anything like Jeff Foxworthy. I am ambivalent about the moustache but it works for him. Plus I hear they are making a comeback. Hey, if it's good enough for Nick Cage, it's good enough for me and Lonnie Ray. Here is a whole gallery of movie stars and their 'staches. I'm feeling better now.