Double Bagger

One bit of clarification I found on the "Ask a Guy" forum was the definition of the term "Double Bagger." Actually, I found 2 complementary definitions. It's either dating a woman so ugly you put two paper bags over her head - the second in case the first one breaks. The other: you put one bag over her head and the other over yours, in case hers breaks.

Now this story is apropos of nothing other than I pulled a double bagger of my own Saturday when I got invited out to lunch with someone after accepting the invite to see Queensryche that evening. In an effort to prove myself after last week's dating debacle, I went for it and did back-to-back dates in a single day - a first even for me.

I met the Insitg8tor (that was his vanity license plate number) at a lake-side beach and boardwalk in central New Hampshire. He was well-put-together, chatty and not unpleasant company as we tooled around town in his BMW convertible on a rare sunny day this dreary summer. He works in the construction trade and offered to tour me around a part of the island I had never been - a circle of million dollar oceanfront homes he had worked on variously over the years. Because of this, he knew which ones were for sale and vacant. We pulled into the first driveway and looked out over the abandoned dock and lake-front. "Can we go sit on the dock?" I asked, and knowing the homes were unoccupied and for sale, the Instig8tor agreed. We sat in over sized Adirondack Chairs as the choppy waters lapped up over the teak decking at our feet.

The first house was so much fun I insisted on doing the same with 2 other houses, each time imagining having the money to buy a second home for $6.8 million. So we were the waterfront vacation-home crashers for the afternoon - sitting in the sun and stealing the views. We knew if anyone questioned us - with his BMW sitting in the drive way - we could convincingly say we saw the for sale sign and decided to take a look to see if we were interested in buying the place.

We had a lot of fun although I admit he did most of the talking. The Rules would approve - I let him go on - and tried to look fascinated with his stories. He was mildly amusing and I wouldn't turn him down if he calls again.

Then I scooted over to the ocean to meet up with bachelor #2 Mark, with Queensryche tickets in hand. We took in dinner and drinks at a rooftop deck as the sun set and meandered over to the site of the concert. After being ID'd and frisked (not kidding) we presented the tickets and were told they were for another night - that's right, we got the date wrong.

You can tell a lot about a person by how they react to a change in plans. I turned to Mark and said "Time to play Skee Ball!" which we did in the nearby arcade. He didn't talk about himself all evening and even asked a few questions about me. How refreshing!

And while he was a good looking man, I have to ask Tammy what edition of GQ she has been reading. He reminded me of a cross between Steve Martin and Phil Hartman. And he didn't have a provoking vanity license plate - so I think if I had to choose, I'm going with #2.

I got home around 1am and thought about my over-ambitious-as-usual plans of that day. Tammy called to ask how things went. "I wanted to introduce you to a nice guy because your nice guy meter seems to be broken," she chided me. She's right. Time to take the bag off my head and pay attention.

Rolling Stone, Gathering No Moss

Indignant Gal Pal Tammy does not want me to give up on men in light of the recent abuses at the hands of the latest loser and blog fodder. She is a hairdresser and has a long time client who is single. "He is GQ Handsome, Kathy. You have GOT to meet him."

 

She has in her possession a pair of Queensryche tickets for Hampton Beach Saturday night. So she called the man in question (his name is Mark - I'm sorry I don't have a clever nickname for him yet) and offered up both the tickets and me. "But I don't even like Queensryche," I whimpered. No matter. She handed off my number to Mark, who called me tonight and sealed the deal.

 

This is a blind date in the true sense. "Do you want to give him my picture?" I asked. "Nope," Tammy said. "You're better off going into this blind - he already agreed to meet you without a photo so why muck it up now?" (Trying to decide how to take this.)

 

So I'm now doing a crash course on Queensryche. They appear to be a parody of Spinal Tap but I realize Spinal Tap is a parody of Queensryche, just done before most of their players were born. Mark does not know who they are either. We will be a couple of middle aged people wandering into a heavy metal concert at Hampton Beach Casino. We agreed that if it gets too weird we'll just leave.

 

Speaking of weird, my last date at Hampton Beach was with Machine Gun Man. While for the blog's sake, I hope this date is more interesting, for my sake, I hope it has a happier ending.

 

 

Ask a Guy

After the latest dating debacle, I decided to go my merry way and return to the social scene here in the mecca of NoCo and go out to my favorite tavern last night to play a few tunes and down a few beers. So imagine my surprise when I spy Mr. I Find You Unattractive lurking in the corner of the bar like a daddy-long-legs in a screen porch.

I attempted to ignore him and sat down with friends. No such luck - he is so socially inept that he comes over, thrust his hand between me and my friend and says "hi!" as he shook my hand. I said "hi" and then turned my back to him and continued my conversation. I left the bar shortly thereafter - I couldn't stand the sight of him.

When I got home I found an "Ask a Guy" forum on a dating site I frequent. I read some other posts and they were amusing so I posted my latest story and got these replies, most of whom back my friends' assertions that he is a whack job:

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He sounds like an idiot and perhaps unstable. I would let your friends know about this guy. That way if he shows up at more of your hangouts they can tactfully get you away from him or not so tactfully make it clear to him that's he's not wanted.
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You were always borderline to him. He decided to do a few dates, but after further reflection, he decided that he was not really into you. I do have to agree ... I probably would have called to break it off, but he chose to do it in person and at work; that is a little odd.
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He sounds like he's socially retarded and that was his way of telling you he lost interest. Just...avoid him.
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Possibly he is a couple croutons shy of a salad and you are better off w/o him. There are many blind leads in dating.
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Creepy, crazy, stalker! get your restraining order ready.
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I deal with retarded men daily. that is a specialty of mine. get your restraining order ready save yourself the drama. DO not take him lightly.
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guy goes to her work just to tell her he thinks she is unattractive? that's not normal behavior. that is someone who is unstable. period, he went out of his way to insult her. its not like they were sitting on the couch at home.
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I am wondering why he bothered to rush over to your work to tell you he isn't interested. It sounds like he's so afraid you'll reject him that he wants to save face by delivering the shot first.
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He probably likes you but fears he's put himself out there too far without receiving some affection in kind. Making an ass out of yourself in front of your friends requires taking potentially self-deprecating risks, and he probably thinks he's communicated his interest in you.
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this guy sounds like a socially inept fool. Erase all contact with him, and if he seems to "pop up" in some more familiar places, call the cops or something.
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The next time (if there is a next time) he approaches you with whole handshake B/S or a similar routine, you remind him that he doesn't find you attractive, and tell him that you don't find people attractive that don't find you attractive, and that come to your work to tell you that. Tell him that if he has trouble remembering that you have no desire to talk to his crazy azz again, you will be happy to help him with a kick in the nads. Well, maybe not the nads kick part, but the rest would do nicely.

Crazy....crazy I tell you.

Oh yes, and you are definitely attractive. I don't know what his problem is. If you ever find your way to Portland Oregon, look me up
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And this one from what must have been a psychologist:

What most likely happened is that he is dissatisfied with some aspect of your budding relationship, lord knows what, and is trying to break it off. This is hard to do, at least for him, and the tension and conflict (he is both drawn to and repelled from you) is crazy making (he is likely feeling clinical anxiety, as in an anxiety attack and can't think straight in those conditions). If he stays away from you and you stay away from him, he should go on with life and, then just a memory. There are all sorts of possibilities, but somehow what was happening resulted in a lot of anxiety and he's trying to defend against it, and of course, making a fool of himself. The thing about irrational behavior like that is that it is his problem; if he starts to make it yours through some delusion, then be careful. All you did was to be friendly and open.
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First of all, why did he give you his number? A real man doesn't do that. A real man asks the woman for her number. So he instantly seems like an idiot from the start.

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This is beyond egregious-bad manners, even beyond television. It doesn't sound safe, either. I hope you're able to stay out of his way.

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Then there were those that blamed me for letting him know where I work - although those that know me know that my position is rather public and not a well kept secret. I was introduced by a mutual friend who shared my job right off the bat because it is just ... so ... damn... cool. That and the radio ad I am currently broadcasting that you'd have to be brain dead to NOT recognize as my voice. I might as well have had my employer's name tattooed on my forehead.

But that being said, I should take some of the blame for inviting this guy into my work and home too quickly. "You are just too nice to everyone," one friend shared last night. To think that this is a fault in this day and age is disheartening, but I guess it is.

The Virgin Queen

I am so lucky. I have so many awesome girlfriends I can call when the latest loser shits all over me. The "I don't find you attractive" asshole seems to have rung a particularly discordant note with my network of gal pals.

George the Cat opines that he is an controlling asshole using abusive techniques to manipulate me. My turning on my heel and walking away was just the right thing to do. Good for me! I feel better now. I never thought of it that way!

My sister suggested I immediately go back online to find someone else. "I don't mean to sound like Ma," (she said, sounding exactly like Ma), "But you are NOT getting any younger. Time is of the essence!" She has been married 3 times so she knows about this. I am concerned.

Gal Pal Kate says he pre-emptively dumped me anticipating my dumping HIM. Another controlling technique. OK!

Michelle can't believe the assholes that are out there. I agree - it's stunning!

I am exporting the contents of my blog now in an attempt to edit them down to submit them to a publisher. It comes to 98 single-spaced pages. I took an hour to go through, in reverse chronological order. I only made it back to April 2009! I am exhausted just going back one season. To think it's been 4 years since I told my ex. I wanted a divorce.

Last Friday I invited Corrine the tarot card reader over for dinner (see previous post). I can listen to her Hollywood stories for hours. Honestly, she is the most interesting person I have ever met. She told me about dating Steve Guttenberg and Bob Guccioni Jr., and her appearances on All of My Children and Night Court. She currently enjoys wearing flannel and my kitchen counter is as far as she will venture.

"Did you watch the films about Queen Elizabeth?" she asked over a glass of wine Friday, after I told her of my latest dating abuses. I had. I am a big history buff. "After her lover betrayed her and tried to overthrow her court, she painted her face white and returned to court announcing she was now the Virgin Queen. That is where I am in my life now. I'm OK with it."

After being married FIVE times (not a typo) she is taking a break. This is inspirational.

I spent today alone. I mean, ALONE - no plans with anyone. It was hard and wonderful at the same time. I got up early, went on a 10 mile bike ride, washed my car, finished a novel while at the beach, then read magazines by my swimming pool all afternoon. No kids, no friends, no man - and I am working hard on this being OK.

Maybe the problem isn't the lack of companionship - maybe it's the need for it at all.

Lost in Translation Again

After yet another stunning misread on my part, I have come to the conclusion I am retarded when it comes to men. I should not be allowed to venture outside alone. If I were in grade school, the little bus would be picking me up and I would have a full time teaching assistant sitting next to me in class, interpreting what the teacher is saying and what all the other kids understand without help.

The only guys that are interested in me are the other retards - the ones kept after class, riding the little bus alongside me, wiping their nose on their sleeve and telling each other about the latest Pokemon cartoon. The ugly, the fat, the misbegotten, and new for this month, the old and the married - are lined up and can't wait to see me again. The even marginally qualified? No thank you.

This latest missive after I mistook these actions from a gentlemen I met at a 4th of July party. Please follow along and tell me where I got lost in translation:

- met him at a party - he approached me before I left the party, shoved his name and phone number on a slip of paper into my paper and asked me to call him. This after making it clear he was single and had heard I was single.

- last Friday, asked me to meet him at the beach at sunset, then went back to his house and stayed up talking for hours around an open fire. He ended the night by playing me a love song on his guitar, telling me "I don't play love songs for just anyone. You inspire me." (EXACT QUOTE)

- called me Wednesday and asked to come over with his son, and the four of us hung out and had what I thought was a good time. No, I take that back. It was a great time.

- when he left that night, he hugged me and said "please call me" OK, follow me? Would you think that this was someone who was at least MARGINALLY interested in me? (Programming note - no, I didn't sleep with him.)

So imagine my surprise when he came to a large concert event I was working last night, pulled me aside, and said "I'm not attracted to you. Sorry!" I said, "Oh, wow. Yeah, I guess it's better to just get that over with. We can be friends, right? Can't have too many friends. OK, I have to get back to work now! Bye!"

So there I am, pulling together the single largest event of my career, surrounded by literally thousands of people and all my co-workers, having to put on my happy face and get back to work. He did not have the decency to leave and instead skulked around the rest of the evening asking if I needed help with the event. I declined and silently prayed he would vaporize.

It was a warm summer night. Everyone in town was outside at the concert. I ran into my vet at the show - a lovely woman my age who recently split from her husband. There she is - with a new guy! They are holding hands and clearly digging each other. How did she do that? Then I run into PAL and his girlfriend. They sit side by side, enjoying the show, leaning over to enjoy a kiss and hug occasionally. Salt! Wound! Arggh!

Don't get me wrong. I know I am lucky. I have a great job, financial security, a beautiful home, a lovely daughter and good health. How many people would be happy enough with that.

When I got home from work last night, I called faithful friend Tammy. "What an asshole," she said. "He came to your WORK to tell you that?"

As I type this, I am finishing up my 3rd cup of coffee. I need to run - the little bus will be picking me up soon and I need to pack my book bag.