Lost in Translation Again

After yet another stunning misread on my part, I have come to the conclusion I am retarded when it comes to men. I should not be allowed to venture outside alone. If I were in grade school, the little bus would be picking me up and I would have a full time teaching assistant sitting next to me in class, interpreting what the teacher is saying and what all the other kids understand without help.

The only guys that are interested in me are the other retards - the ones kept after class, riding the little bus alongside me, wiping their nose on their sleeve and telling each other about the latest Pokemon cartoon. The ugly, the fat, the misbegotten, and new for this month, the old and the married - are lined up and can't wait to see me again. The even marginally qualified? No thank you.

This latest missive after I mistook these actions from a gentlemen I met at a 4th of July party. Please follow along and tell me where I got lost in translation:

- met him at a party - he approached me before I left the party, shoved his name and phone number on a slip of paper into my paper and asked me to call him. This after making it clear he was single and had heard I was single.

- last Friday, asked me to meet him at the beach at sunset, then went back to his house and stayed up talking for hours around an open fire. He ended the night by playing me a love song on his guitar, telling me "I don't play love songs for just anyone. You inspire me." (EXACT QUOTE)

- called me Wednesday and asked to come over with his son, and the four of us hung out and had what I thought was a good time. No, I take that back. It was a great time.

- when he left that night, he hugged me and said "please call me" OK, follow me? Would you think that this was someone who was at least MARGINALLY interested in me? (Programming note - no, I didn't sleep with him.)

So imagine my surprise when he came to a large concert event I was working last night, pulled me aside, and said "I'm not attracted to you. Sorry!" I said, "Oh, wow. Yeah, I guess it's better to just get that over with. We can be friends, right? Can't have too many friends. OK, I have to get back to work now! Bye!"

So there I am, pulling together the single largest event of my career, surrounded by literally thousands of people and all my co-workers, having to put on my happy face and get back to work. He did not have the decency to leave and instead skulked around the rest of the evening asking if I needed help with the event. I declined and silently prayed he would vaporize.

It was a warm summer night. Everyone in town was outside at the concert. I ran into my vet at the show - a lovely woman my age who recently split from her husband. There she is - with a new guy! They are holding hands and clearly digging each other. How did she do that? Then I run into PAL and his girlfriend. They sit side by side, enjoying the show, leaning over to enjoy a kiss and hug occasionally. Salt! Wound! Arggh!

Don't get me wrong. I know I am lucky. I have a great job, financial security, a beautiful home, a lovely daughter and good health. How many people would be happy enough with that.

When I got home from work last night, I called faithful friend Tammy. "What an asshole," she said. "He came to your WORK to tell you that?"

As I type this, I am finishing up my 3rd cup of coffee. I need to run - the little bus will be picking me up soon and I need to pack my book bag.