5 Types of Men that Women Avoid

I recently checked an email account I use(d) solely for online dating and found an article from E-Harmony entitled "5 Types of Men that Women Avoid." What is startling is that all 5 of these types seem to all be rolled up in my new paramour, Mr. Craigslist .

Now, with apologies to E-Harmony, my version of their enewsletter:

1. Mr. Gadget - Last night I got to hear, in detail, about his very first video game (not just a Commodore 64, a Commodore 32!), right through in chronological order to a new XBox race car game that allows him to enter the EXACT SAME sports car that he now drives!

"No wonder you haven't had time to unpack or buy furniture," I replied after listening to a 20 minute dissertation on the relative drag of road surface on the tires of his Nissan. I WISH I was joking but I'm not. He won't let me see where he lives because he claims to have no furniture. Either that or a wife and 3 kids. Take your pick.

2. The Man-Child - If I hear one...more...time ... about his teenage job lifeguarding, I SWEAR I'm going to pull each hair individually out of his new goatee (don't make me tell you his lame gay-bashing joke told at his co-workers expense with the word "goatee" in the punchline - I've already heard it twice this week and I can't bear to even type it).

3. The Sociopath - Those of you who know me may have had the (dubious) pleasure of hearing me play my guitar. Since I've been seeing this guy for going on two months now, and since he never asked, I offered to play a tune for him. He requested "Stairway to Heaven." Not kidding. I played it - the guitar part anyway. Then I played a James Taylor song which apparently moved him so much that he - get this - LEFT THE ROOM in the middle of the song and returned at the end without comment. I put my instrument away after that and he said nothing.

4. The Chatterbox - Don't worry about making conversation. He does all the talking for both of us.

5. The Victim - "Things ended badly with my last girlfriend," he warned. "Where did you bury the body," I asked. But seriously, he just got angry and said he would never ski with her again but he suspects she will change her mind this winter when the snow starts flying again. Apparently she just wanted to use him for sex, a typical FWB set up which he has warned me is "not his thing." Unfortunately for both of us, this is his sole redeeming quality.

So move over, Dr. Warren. I don't need E-Harmony for dating advice - I've got Craigslist.